Two Fingers in the Salt,One in the Sugar (3 screenplay intros)

tony

1.CLOSING DOORS – THE LAST DAYS OF TONY HANCOCK  

(Warning – Strong Language and Adult Situations)

“ONE BY ONE HE SHUT THE DOOR ON ALL THE PEOPLE HE KNEW, THEN
HE SHUT THE DOOR ON HIMSELF.”

SPIKE MILLIGAN ON TONY HANCOCK

This is just the first few pages of an early script about the last days of Tony Hancock  (British Comedian)

Tony went to Australia to attempt to revive his Television career but without the support of his writers and pals (all of whom he dumped), the revival failed and he took his own life at the age of 44 in the basement of his producer’s house.

This is an excerpt from Wikipedia:

Hancock died by suicide, by overdose, in Sydney, on 24 June 1968. He was found dead in his Bellevue Hill apartment with an empty vodka bottle by his right hand and amphetamines by his left.

In one of his suicide notes he wrote: “Things just seemed to go too wrong too many times”.

BLACK SCREEN

TITLES:

“ONE BY ONE HE SHUT THE DOOR ON ALL THE PEOPLE HE KNEW, THEN

HE SHUT THE DOOR ON HIMSELF.”

SPIKE MILLIGAN ON TONY HANCOCK

 

DIRECTOR (V.O.)

Okay Tony, can we take that line

again?

HANCOCK (V.O.)

“Oh no, I’ve got the giraffe again, I’ve got three of these, why can’t I get the packet with the hippopotamus?”

Silence.

HANCOCK (V.O.) (CONT’D)

Does that sound funny to you? It doesn’t sound funny to me.

BELL RINGS.

DIRECTOR (V.O.)

Take twenty everyone, there is some noise on the tape.

TITLES: “June 1968, ATN-7 Studios, Sydney, Australia.”

FADE IN:

INT. TV STUDIO – DAY

TONY HANCOCK, forty-four going on sixty. Tony is walking towards his trailer. His PA hands him a cup as his PRODUCER walks beside him.

HANCOCK

Well?

PRODUCER

What Tony?

HANCOCK

Does it sound funny? These are no Galton and Simpson.

PRODUCER

Give them a chance.

HANCOCK

Give them a chance?  Listen matey, I’m all out of chances. Me.

The producer places his hand on Hancock’s shoulder. Hancock stops and kills the moment with a look.

The producer’s hand retreats. Hancock continues walking but the producer stays where he is; he knows better.

Hancock enters his trailer.

SLAM….a closing door.

INT. TRAILER – DAY

Hancock, life-tired, sits staring into an unforgiving mirror.

He opens a Qantas Airline Bag or should that be pharmaceutical central?

Some tablets are placed on the table, a bottle of vodka is retrieved from under the table – it’s been taped there – and is poured into Hancock’s cup.

He swallows the lot.

KNOCK.

HANCOCK

What?

PA (O.S.)

It’s me.

HANCOCK

Wait.

The airline bag is closed and the bottle taped back under the table.

HANCOCK (CONT’D)

Enter!

PA

It’s the sound men; it was a bird they picked up on the tape.

HANCOCK

So?

PA

Well they’re trying to shoot it out of its hiding place using a catapult and some moth balls.

HANCOCK

You couldn’t make this stuff up and unfortunately neither can my writers.

PA

It’s just….

HANCOCK

…it’s just what?

The PA turns towards the door and there are some fans waiting to talk to Hancock.
Hancock gets up and goes over to the door.

HANCOCK (CONT’D)

Fuck off.

He slams the door shut and then approaches the PA. Their faces are an inch apart.

HANCOCK (CONT’D)

What do you think I am? A monkey in a zoo?


The PA slides away and out the door.

INT. HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT

A TELEVISION is on.

The room is empty and someone is showering in the bathroom.

We will find out that this is Hancock. On the television is an interview with Hancock and John Freeman.

TELEVISION HANCOCK

“It’s partly true that I’m a lonely person. There are times when you’re desperately lonely, standing in the wings, at say, the Palladium….”

Moving around the room we see the items that reflect his life at the moment.

TELEVISION HANCOCK (CONT’D)

“….You’re out there alone. To be shot at, shouted at, booed, have rivets thrown at you (which I’ve had) and seven pence ha’penny thrown at me at Bristol – which I picked up carefully off the stage and bought myself a half of bitter…”

A script lying open on the bed.

TELEVISION HANCOCK (CONT’D)

“How do you make comedy? You don’t make it with measured ingredients – it’s not cake. You make comedy with feeling…..”

The Qantas bag on the bedside table.

TELEVISION HANCOCK (CONT’D)

“What I play on television is an extension of myself and the idiosyncrasies of other people combined…”

Two bottles of brandy and a bottle of vodka.

TELEVISION HANCOCK

“You are, after all involved in life, and you do certain stupid things yourself. So if you are going to stand there and throw stones, at what point of perfection do you stand? If one is going to be critical without any chance of comeback, it’s like hitting a child”.

A HAND turns off the television. It’s Hancock’s. He slumps on the bed in a towel , pours a vodka into a glass and smiles to himself. He picks up the ‘phone.

HANCOCK

Get me Mrs Sennett in Bournemouth, England. (Pause) That’s right, my Mum.

While he waits, he picks up a couple of tablets from the bedside table. He washes them down with vodka.

HANCOCK (CONT’D)

Mum. Guess who?

INT. TV STUDIO – DAY

PEOPLE doing things. Carrying cables, scenery. People painting. The PA exits from Hancock’s trailer.

PRODUCER

How is he?

The PA crosses her fingers and moves on.

PRODUCER (CONT’D)

Come on now people. We have a show to put on.

The producer spots some of the team, watching.

PRODUCER (CONT’D)

I thought it was your day off?

STAGE HAND

Tony Hancock is in town.

PRODUCER

Hope he’s worth it.

The producer claps his hands.

PRODUCER (CONT’D)

Move. Someone get Tony. You.

A YOUNG GIRL is selected. She nervously goes over to the trailer and knocks the door. There is no response. She knocks again.

PRODUCER (CONT’D)

Just leave it. I’ll get him.

The girl runs off. The producer loudly knocks the trailer door.

PRODUCER (CONT’D)

(shouting)

Coming in.

INT. TRAILER – DAY

The producer enters. Tony is somewhere between Sydney and the moon.

PRODUCER

For fuck sake, what did you take?

HANCOCK

(slurred)

You know….what Sid said about me? He said….what was I talking about? Oh yes, Sid. He said….that I have the best timing in the business. The very best.

Hancock is not in charge of moving his head; it has its own life.

INT. TV STUDIO – DAY

There are many EXPECTANT FACES as Hancock and the producer emerge. However this turns to disappointment as the producer supports Hancock from the trailer. He carries him to the set.

PRODUCER

Come on people. We have episode six to put in the can.

The enthusiasm has eroded in the studio, everyone is going through the motions.

STUDIO LATER

Hancock stands ready, however his face shows that although the light may be on, nobody is home.

DIRECTOR

All you have to do is pick up the ‘phone.

Hancock nods like a drunk.

DIRECTOR (CONT’D)

And action.

Hancock lifts the receiver, dials very badly then ‘speaks in tongues’ into the phone.

DIRECTOR (CONT’D)

Cut. That’s the sixteenth take and that bastard is incapable of saying a complete line.

Hancock stands lost and sweating from head to foot.

DIRECTOR (CONT’D)

Hancock, you c*nt. Get out there and act.

Hancock is in turmoil. He is practising ‘Chinese burns’ on his wrists.

DIRECTOR (CONT’D)

(to producer)

Are you going to fucking call someone?

The producer nods. A PA hands him a phone.

PRODUCER

(into phone)

Get me the Managing Director.

INT. HOTEL ROOM – DAY

This is another time and another place. Hancock is shaved, dressed and sober. He sits reading the paper and drinking coffee.

A KNOCK at the door.

HANCOCK

(with gusto)

Enter.

The producer enters.

HANCOCK (CONT’D)

Coffee?

PRODUCER

Please.

The producer sits as he pours him a cup.

HANCOCK

So, did you see yesterday’s rushes?

PRODUCER

Ehm…no, not yet.

HANCOCK

Well, we can look at them today. I thought yesterday went exceedingly well.

These two guys are remembering different days.

PRODUCER

If you say so.

HANCOCK

Of course, I say so.

Hancock gets up.

HANCOCK (CONT’D)

Well, come on. Let’s get a move on.

Hancock is already out the door.

HANCOCK (O.S.) (CONT’D)

Come on.

INT. CAR – DAY

The producer looks at Hancock, not sure who is riding in his

car. Hancock is happy and smoking.

HANCOCK

I’ve got to get me Mum something.

Silence.

HANCOCK (CONT’D)

I hear the contract is for 26 shows. I was thinking I might do it in three batches and head home. See Mum and Joan. What do you think?

Silence.

HANCOCK (CONT’D)

Have I upset you?

PRODUCER

No. The Managing Director wants to  speak to you when we get in.

HANCOCK

Any idea, about what?

The producer looks at Hancock. Then shakes his head.

HANCOCK (CONT’D)

Can’t be too serious then.

There is a look on Hancock’s face as if he may know what the talk is about.

HANCOCK (CONT’D)

We could always take the whole thing back to England.

PRODUCER

If you don’t do it here, it’s all over. If you fuck up in Australia, there’s no where else to go.

The car pulls into the studio gate.

INT. PRODUCER’S HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT

The producer sits going through some paper work.
The phone RINGS.

PRODUCER

Hello.

HANCOCK (V.O.)

Evening.

PRODUCER

Tony.

HANCOCK (V.O.)

I’ve decided. I’m going to take the cure.

PRODUCER

Where are you?

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – NIGHT

Hancock sits in a hospital gown.

HANCOCK

Cavell House Private Hospital at Rose Bay. That bastard said it was this or the first bloody ‘plane back to Blighty

………..to be continued

boy

2.BURIED  

(Warning – Strong Language and Adult Situations)

First Ten Pages of a Script

Episode One –  “The House of Tricks”.

BLACK SCREEN

FRAN (Voice over)
It’s sad when you get hurt so much that you can finally say,
‘I’m used to it’.

CAR ENGINE.

FADE IN:
EXT. STREET. 1966 – NIGHT
A DARK CAR cuts through the night like a shark.

INT. CAR. 1966 – NIGHT
Ribbed leather rear seat of an expensive car, probably a 1960s Rover.
Light from the occasional street lamp sweeps across the seat.
The car slows then stops, and a back-door opens.
The driver CLICKS the dial of the car radio, it sweeps through radio stations. It settles on something SOULFUL.
A CHILD, FRANKIE, his face is 14 years old, his eyes are ancient, slides onto the seat.
FRANKIE smiles over to someone, probably the driver. Then the usual terror makes his face adopt a grimace.
This kid has done all this, too many times, before.
Frankie closes the door.
The car drives off.
The street lights illuminate a thoughtful boy with a million things on his mind.

LATER
The car slows once more, and stops.
This time, DAN, 10 years of age and terrified, slips onto the seat next to Frankie.
Frankie doesn’t look at the kid, he just slides over.
Tears are forming on DAN’S FACE.
With both boys staring straight ahead, Frankie places his hand on top of Dan’s, then puts his fingers between Dan’s (as if to say, I’m here too).
SOMEONE outside the car, straightens Dan’s clothes, pats down Dan’s hair, and then closes the car door.
The CAR SPEEDS away.

INT. WESTMINSTER SQUARE. 1966 – NIGHT
Dan looking haunted out of the window of the car.
CAPTION: “LONDON – 1966”
The CAR drives around WESTMINSTER SQUARE.

EXT. GARAGE. 1966 – NIGHT
The CAR drives through the entrance of an UNDERGROUND PARKING AREA.

INT. GARAGE. 1966 – CONTINUOUS
The car stops beside several Bentleys, Rollers and Jaguars.
A LARGE BOUNCER TYPE – (we take it he’s the driver) – gets out and opens the door for the kids.
Frankie has done this all before, he knows the routine and where his place is in things.
The Bouncer waves to the boys to get out. Frankie stands beside the door – he looks back and sees Dan is sitting, petrified.

FRANKIE
Come on.

Dan still doesn’t want to leave the car.

FRANKIE (CONT’D)
I said, come on.

Frankie takes Dan’s hand and leads him out.

FRANKIE (CONT’D)
I’ll look after you.

Frankie means it.

DAN
I’m called D….

Frankie puts his hand over Dan’s mouth.

FRANKIE
Don’t tell me your name.

The two boys and the Bouncer walk across the garage to a private elevator.

INT. ELEVATOR. 1966 – CONTINUOUS
The lift doors open onto a sumptuous apartment.
This is a room full of MONEY and very little else. LUST has chased COMPASSION out of the door.
It is populated with the British establishment doing what they do best.

INT. THE HOUSE OF TRICKS. LOUNGE. 1966 – CONTINUOUS
Cravings being satisfied in every corner.
Frankie and Dan are standing in the middle of the room as OLD MEN eye them up.
As Dan becomes more anxious, Frankie squeezes Dan’s hand tighter.
SOMEONE grabs Frankie by his neck and drags him off to a room.
Frankie struggles to look back at Dan. Frankie smiles at him.
Dan is upset after being separated from his protector. Dan is standing isolated in a room of predators.

DAN
Don’t let them take me. Please, someone help me. Please. My name is Dan! Help me!
SOME OF THE ROOM turn for a second, smile at the boy, then turn away.

DAN (CONT’D)
Dan! Da….

Dan starts to cry. AN ARM picks up Dan and lifts him off to a waiting room.
Dan tries to hold on to the door frame, but his little fingers just scrape the paint and he’s pulled into the bedroom.
JIMMY (25) is the man who is keeping an eye on the room. He is watching and you can tell his mind is never on deep conversations; he is superficial.
Jimmy is conversing with several men. The ‘MINISTER’ is in his forties and overweight.

JIMMY
As you can see, new talent comes in all the time.

MINISTER
Fresh, delectable meat.

The Minister licks his lips and the OTHER MEN, laugh.

JIMMY
I prefer to say ‘fresh talent’.

MINISTER
Whatever you say James. Your parties are always a triumph.

JIMMY
You flatter me.

The Minister stuffs extra money in Jimmy’s jacket pocket.

MINISTER
I’ve had one helluva day in the House, so let me see the bait.

JIMMY
If you gentlemen will follow me. (To a TOPLESS MUSCULAR MAN)
My friends’ glasses are empty.

Jimmy snaps his fingers. The muscular man fills glasses.
The Minister rubs his hands, then grabs the bottle from the muscular man.
The Minister pushes himself to the front of the men and enters the room where Dan has been taken.

INT. THE HOUSE OF TRICKS. DAN’S BEDROOM. 1966 – NIGHT
A terrified Dan is tied to a bed and a LARGE MAN stands next to him. Dan’s mouth is silenced by tape.

MINISTER
Wonderful. Simply magnificent.

The Minister turns to the men.

MINISTER (CONT’D)
Gentlemen, behold the delicious quarry.

The Minister bends down beside Dan. He runs his finger over the scared boy’s hair, then lets his hand caress the boy’s face.

MINISTER (CONT’D)
Beautiful and fresh and ripe.

The Minister rips the tape from Dan’s mouth.

MINISTER (CONT’D)
I like to hear the whimpers – it makes me feel all warm inside.

The Minister looks at the men with him, and they all LAUGH.

The Minister puts his two fingers over the little boy’s mouth, who is about to say his name.

MINISTER
Shh, little one!

INT. THE HOUSE OF TRICKS. FRANKIE’S BEDROOM. 1966 – NIGHT
Frankie keeps looking back at the door, even although he is lying almost naked, face down on a bed.
The YOUNG MAN, who is surprisingly young (mid twenties), FORCES Frankie’s head to face forwards.
Frankie is ‘matter-of-fact’ about the process.
The Young Man is stripping off in the background.
The Young Man’s view of the naked Frankie lying face down on the bed.
The Young Man bends over and inspects a birth mark on Frankie’s lower back. From his accent and manner, this guy has been jettisoned out from a fifties’ public school.

YOUNG MAN
Interesting.

FRANKIE
What?

YOUNG MAN
That thing on your back.

The Young Man traces the mark with his fingers.

FRANKIE
The woman who delivered me was drunk.

YOUNG MAN
It rather looks like a strawberry. It’s…..pretty. Just like you.

The Young Man smiles to himself, then leans forward and kisses the birthmark.
The Young Man stands up.
The back view of the Young Man, naked. He has ROPES in his hand.

INT. THE HOUSE OF TRICKS. LOUNGE. 1966 – MORNING
THE MORNING AFTER THE NIGHT BEFORE. The sun is shining in the windows and bleaching away the debauchery of the previous evening.
The Rich and Famous have long since departed. They never spend the night in this type of place.
A TEENAGE BOY lies sleeping, half-naked on a sofa.
The CLEANER shakes the boy awake, who then starts to dress himself.
This is a business and everyone does their bit.

INT. THE HOUSE OF TRICKS. FRANKIE’S BEDROOM. 1966- CONTINUOUS
Frankie is sitting on the edge of the bed. He looks terrible but then again, he’s survived another night.
Bed sheets are strewn around the room, whatever went on in this place was wild.
The Cleaner enters and tries to ignore the boy. The Cleaner knows better than to say anything, but he can’t help himself and hands the boy his sweater.

FRANKIE
Thanks.

CLEANER
That’s all right.

The Cleaner smiles and continues cleaning up.

INT. THE HOUSE OF TRICKS. LOUNGE. 1966 – LATER
Frankie walks through the lounge and takes in the aftermath.
He heads for Dan’s Bedroom – he wants to make sure Dan is all right.

INT. THE HOUSE OF TRICKS. DAN’S BEDROOM. 1966 – CONTINUOUS
The room is empty except for the stench of depravity. There is blood on the sheets. Dan didn’t give up easily.
Frankie RUNS from the room.

INT. THE HOUSE OF TRICKS. BATHROOM. 1966 – CONTINUOUS
Frankie THROWS UP in the toilet. He probably does this every time.
Frankie has a gulp out of the water tap and then splashes his face.
Outside the bathroom, and reflected in the bathroom mirror, are TWO MEN (BIG MAN and FAT MAN) carrying a BODY wrapped in bed-clothes.
They continue into the lift.
The lift doors close.

INT. THE HOUSE OF TRICKS. LOUNGE. 1966 – CONTINUOUS
Frankie sneaks out of the bathroom and decides not to follow them by using the lift.
Instead, he uses a STAIRWELL that he has obviously used before.

INT. THE HOUSE OF TRICKS. STAIRWELL. 1966 – CONTINUOUS
Frankie looks carefully over the edge of the bannister.
NOISES from the guys in the garage, below.
Frankie creeps down.

INT. GARAGE. 1966 – CONTINUOUS
BIG MAN and FAT MAN dump the body on the ground, like a piece of meat.
Big Man opens the boot of the car and both men throw the body in the boot.
The door is SLAMMED shut.

BIG MAN
I’m going for a piss. Make sure he don’t run.

Big Man exits smiling at his own joke.
Fat Man smirks. He goes around the vehicle and lights a cigarette.
Seeing that the coast is clear, Frankie crawls over to the back of the car.
Frankie carefully opens the car boot, a little.
Fat Man, smoking, thinks he hears something, but sees a RAT moving across the floor and pretends to shoot it with his fingers.
Frankie holds the boot while pulling the cover off of the body.
Frankie jumps back.
There is Dan’s battered little face staring back at him. COLD and DEAD. His mouth is taped up.
Frankie has let the car boot swing up. This spooks Fat Man.

Big Man takes a gun from his jacket. Frankie scuttles behind the other cars. Both men search under the them.

Frankie crawls under from one car to another, as one of the men tries to grab Frankie.

BIG MAN
Come out you little shit.

Fat Man’s arm is attempting to grab under the car at Frankie.
Frankie scuttles quickly from underneath one car to another.
Frankie’s POV of the men’s legs walking around the other direction.
Frankie pushes himself out and runs for a door. It opens. He stumbles as he’s running so fast, but he scrambles up.

INT/EXT. TUNNEL. 1966 – CONTINUOUS
Frankie runs along a tunnel. In the background, Big Man and Fat Man are entering.
The door at the other end of the tunnel is BLOCKED by a PILE OF RUBBISH on the outside.
Frankie keeps kicking at the door. The rubbish slides and the door opens – enough to let someone the size of Frankie squeeze through.

EXT. LANE. 1966 – CONTINUOUS
Frankie runs down a lane behind the buildings.
At the end of the lane is a HIGH STREET, full of PEOPLE. Frankie disappears into the crowd as Big Man and Fat Man reach the end of the lane.
Big Man and Fat Man split up to search. Inside the crowd is Frankie getting lost and running.
MUSIC  plays and continues over the start of the next scene.
Camera lifts up over London and into the big blue yonder. We travel over distance and time, landing in…

EXT. RUGBY PARK. FIELD. PRESENT – DAY
MEN GRUNTING.
CAPTION: “PRESENT DAY”
THE CRUNCH of a RUGBY SCRUM. We are in the middle of it all, the grunts and the sweat.
A REFEREE looks into the scrum, then blows his whistle.
The MATCH is OVER.
The BULKY MEN head to the clubhouse.
We are interested in FRANCIS (60s). This is an old man’s league and these are old men.
CHARLIE (60s) one of the players from the opposing team slaps Francis on the back.

CHARLIE
Played well, Fran…..considering.

INT. RUGBY PARK. SHOWERS. PRESENT – DAY
Francis is showering in among the usual banter. These are all MAN BEASTS who have played this sport to a good level, once upon a time.
Francis turns his back to us in order to wash. On Fran’s back is the strawberry birthmark we saw earlier. It might be older, and more tired, more wrinkled even , but it’s still the same one.

INT. RUGBY PARK. BAR. PRESENT – DAY
Charlie, from earlier, is at the bar, he brings over the TWO BEERS to the table, where Francis is sitting.

CHARLIE
Fran.

FRANCIS
God bless, Chaz. God bless you my friend.

Charlie sits down.

CHARLIE
Not enough to let us win, apparently.

FRANCIS
What can I say, the man upstairs supports Heaverbrook Over 60s. Always has.

CHARLIE
How’s life, anyway, you old scoundrel? How’s the family?

……..to be continued.

Dinosaurs-Cartoon-Style-Vector

3. FRANKIE & DINO

A couple of pages out of a script written for a US kids’ animation

EXT.DINOCAVE. DAY

DINO (pronounced Deeno) the young dinosaur is watching his

father (his hero), FRANKIE brushing his hair in the mirror.

Dad likes what he sees.

Next to the mirror is a photo of a dinosaur who resembles

Dean Martin.

FRANKIE

Did I ever tell you how your mom and I came to name you, Dino?

DINO

(to himself) Yes, dad it …

FRANKIE

It was after that great dinosaur

singer, Dean Martinsaurus.

FRANKIE gives the photo a polish while he starts to SING.

DINO covers his ears.

FRANKIE (CONT’D)

“When the moon hits your eye like

a Jurassic sky, that’s

Dinosauria”

With the singing over, DINO takes his paws away from his

ears.

FRANKIE (CONT’D)

Ain’t you excited? Heck! I know I am.Me and my son in our first

trek into…

(Frankie sings this bit)

“ta..ta. ta.ta..the Unknown

Forest”

FRANKIE looks at DINO.

FRANKIE (CONT’D)

Ain’t you even the slightest bit

excited?

DINO

Sure, dad but why do they call it

the Unknown Forest?

FRANKIE

It’s not the (Frankie uses rabbit

ears quotation marks with his

fingers) “Unknown Forest”. It’s

the

(Frankie starts to sing

this bit again)

“ta..ta. ta.ta..the Unknown

Forest”

DINO

But why, dad?

FRANKIE

Because, it’s unknown and it’s a

forest.

DINO

But fathers and sons go there

every year. Don’t they know it

even a little bit by now?

FRANKIE

Dino, it’s not good to ask too

many questions.

DINO

That’s not what my teacher says.

FRANKIE

She’s doesn’t know what she’s

talking about, she’s just a

Microraptor.

DINO

She’s smart.

FRANKIE

She’s small. Small raptor, small

brain.

DINO

She says you’re the smartest man

in Dinosauria.

FRANKIE

She said that?

DINO

Sure did, dad.

FRANKIE

You must introduce me next time.

FRANKIE looks back at the mirror and GROWLS at what he

sees.

FRANKIE (CONT’D)

You monster!

FRANKIE winks at his reflection.

INT.PATH ON THE WAY TO THE UNKNOWN FOREST

FRANKIE and DINO trudge on. 

 

DINO

Are we there yet?

FRANKIE

We’ve only just left.

DINO

So we’re not there yet?

FRANKIE

No. Patience, my son.

DINO

Are we there yet?

FRANKIE

Can’t you do something? What about Eye-Spy?

DINO

Dad, that is so last ice age.

FRANKIE

Well what about that thing you’re carrying?

DINO

Oh, okay dad.

DINO takes a large shell he’s been carrying and puts it to his ear. DINO seems pleased.

FRANKIE

So what is that thing?

DINO

It’s a SyPod, dad. You can hear the sea. All the kids have got one.

FRANKIE walks on totally amazed.

FRANKIE

What will they think of next? Jeez…
FRANKIE and DINO reach the edge of the Unknown Forest. 

There is a long QUEUE of DADS and KIDS.
As FRANKIE and DINO arrive at the back of the queue, the rest turn.

ALL

HI!  

DINO/FRANKIE 

Hi. 
HERBIE, the Unknown Forest guide, is walking down the queue selling stuff from a basket. 

HERBIE 

(to FRANKIE)

Map of the Unknown Forest?
FRANKIE looks at DINO who is looking back at his hero. 

FRANKIE

No thank you sir, we don’t need a map of the

(Frankie starts to sing

this bit again)

“ta..ta. ta.ta..the Unknown

Forest”

HERBIE

Whatever.

HERBIE starts to walk on, when DINO’s back is turned. 

FRANKIE whispers.

FRANKIE 

(whispering)

Can I have a map, just in case?

HERBIE

Hey I ain’t got all day, bud.

FRANKIE hands over the money and HERBIE hands him the map. 

DINO turns around. 

DINO

What’s that you got there, Dad?

FRANKIE hides the map behind his back.

FRANKIE

It’s a surprise.  

The Queue moves 

DINO

Is it a free pass to all the rides in Dinosauria?

FRANKIE

Nope. Now looky here, the queue’s moving. Let’s walk.

DINO

Is it a lifetime supply of DinoCola?

FRANKIE

Nope. Where do you get this stuff?

DINO sees it’s just a map. 

DINO

It’s just a map, Dad.

FRANKIE

It’s not just a map. There’s where you’re wrong.It’s a map

to (Frankie starts to sing

this bit again)

“ta..ta. ta.ta..the Unknown

Forest”

DINO

If you say so. (to himself) It’s not that unknown, then.
FRANKIE and DINO are now at the entrance to the Unknown Forest. AVOLONIA is there to greet and meet. 

AVOLONIA

Hi boys! Aren’t you two cuties.

FRANKIE

I like to think so.

AVOLONIA

So welcome to the  

(She sings

this bit)

“ta..ta. ta.ta..the Unknown

Forest”
FRANKIE looks at DINO with ‘I told you so’ expression.  

AVOLONIA

If you two boys could just shuffle over to the Father/Son Welcome Area,

little old me would be real grateful.

FRANKIE

Let’s go son into the….

DINO

I know, Dad. ‘Ta…ta…the unknown..’

 Excited FRANKIE is already way ahead.

bobby stevenson 2016

……..to be continued

bobby stevenson 2016

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2 thoughts on “Two Fingers in the Salt,One in the Sugar (3 screenplay intros)

  1. Closing Doors was bleakly brilliant – HHH was a high water mark in terms of comedic writing and the unparalleled genius of ‘Tone’. I would love to read more of this, this is a wonderfully granular look at a true genius, who left us too soon. As I have grown older (and matured haha) I have better appreciated the toll all this took on the man, the demons he carried, the darkness hidden in plain sight. I will continue to enjoy HHH, as well as the Goons, because those are their legacies. Spike’s time during the Goons seems to me another story that needs telling, given his struggles. I will read more of your work, matey! 🙂

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